Letting go

At church on Sunday our pastor was preaching on Philippians 2. He's working through Philippians which is one of my favorite books anyway. But last week it was like everything he said was just hitting home exactly. The most major part was about Christ not looking for equality to God as something to be grasped. And how that is exactly what we try to do. We try to cling to any sense of control over our lives and all the while God is standing there saying "just let go, I've got you, I can't do anything with you until you just let go". It's God's upside down economy, you have to lose your life to gain it, you have to let go of all control to get anywhere. And there are a few things right now that I just don't want to let go of. I have been screwing myself up emotionally with these things because I just want to have some control over them. Even though I've been praying for God's will meanwhile I've been getting stressed over the fact that these things are not happening the way I want them to and at the time I want them to.

So... I've decided to let go. For me to really let go emotionally I have to do some things which may not make sense to people. With the adoption, for me to not get emotionally screwed up I just have to let it go completely. Which means to stop thinking about it ever, to stop imagining what it will be like. Yesterday I began to think about what if we didn't have anymore kids, if Nya was going to be our only one. And I realised that although I would love more kids, just having Nya is an amazing gift already. I need to stop wanting after more and just learn to appreciate what I already have, which is already amazing.

It seems like everything God has been showing me recently has all be building up to this. Our bible study has been on Abraham and Sarah and their longing for a son, and then when God calls Abraham to sacrifice that same son and he is prepared to trust God enough to obey that command. I've also been reading Tim Keller's book 'Counterfeit God's' about when we take good things and idolize them instead of God and how they will never fulfill us. It's not that adoption isn't a good thing and I still believe God wants it for our life, but I think in some way I need to be willing to sacrifice it to make sure that it is just that, a good thing. I'm sure not everyone will understand this concept. It kinda sounds like I'm giving up on the adoption. And I guess in a way I am. I'm saying that I'm giving up trying to make it happen my way. I'm happy for God to do it His way, and even if that means it not happening, or not happening for many years then... well... (gulp!) I'm ok with that. I'm ok with not having more kids. I'm ok with loving Nya as much as I can and trying to be the best parent I can for her.

Today I was listening to music on the bus and for a while I was lost in my own thoughts. Then I suddenly realised the words of the song I was listening to. Phil Wickham's The time is now:

The time is now, for letting go.
From your skin, to your core.
Let light, and love, come rushing through the door.
Oh, come rushing through the door.
It’s time to make a stand, to put your heart in greater hands,
from your skin, to your core,
Let light, and love, come rushing through the door.

I love that, 'the time is now, for letting go' and 'to put your heart in greater hands.' Those two lines perfectly describe what I'm trying to say.